Perspective

[donnalotus]

On this day of your life, Donna, I believe God wants you to know...

...that patience, above all else, is what is needed right

now. Do not let anxiousness or frustration take over.

- Neale Donald Walsch

 

It seems like my entire life is a lesson in patience at this time, which comes as no surprise with a new baby. But the bigest teacher of all is MIL as she seems to deteriorate even more. I have had many discussions with friends and mentors lately about her mental condition, and the biggest thing that seems to be standing out above all else is that we can no longer treat her like an ordinary person. She is paranoid and most of the time delusional. It would be impossible to get a diagnosis because she wouldn't see anyone, and she's stopped going to the counsellor she was seeing about Julia's death because she "knows more than the counsellor." She did try to get Michael there, but that was more an attempt to manipulate him through what she would perceive is external forces (ie. the counsellor says you should....)

Something that both Mari and Mum have said to me lately is that I can no longer relate to her as someone who is in full possession of her faculties. In fact, I should be relating to her as I would have any client that walked in the door when I was working at the community health centre in the mental health division. That is, don't take anything she says personally, stop trying to reason with her because she can't be reasoned with, and just keep being pono (walking with integrity) in my interactions with her because she doesn't remember what I do and don't do anyway, and what she doesn't remember she fills in with her "lies" anyway. One of signs of dementia is actually that someone who is starting to forget things will make up what happened to appear as if they aren't forgetting things...

Today was a good reminder that I need to take it one day at a time with her. It's almost like dealing with someone with alzhiemers or dementia actually, because you never know what state of mind she will be in when she wakes up - or even sometimes from hour to hour.  Take for instance, Sunday we invited her over for dinner. I went out of my way to make her feel welcome, to talk with her, and to even make eye contact constantly (something she likes, but which tends to make me feel uncomfortable) - I thought I was more than congenial, she was good with the baby this time which helped as most of my needing to avoid her during visits is because she will tend to make him cry and that upsets me because I feel like I can't just step in and tell her she's holding him wrong or something because it will upset her.

Then yesterday I went out for a few hours to a doctors appointment and then stopped to pick up groceries - Declan was sleeping so Michael stayed home with him as we'd had a long day getting him to take his daytime naps and didn't want to disrupt him further. MIL had been out as well, and when she saw I wasn't home when she got back, she tried to barge into the house as soon as she realised Michael was still here. She often does that when I'm not around because she says I make her feel unwelcome in the house (it's actually Michael who spends his time making her feel unwelcome, and he does it deliberately so she won't impose all the time like she would otherwise... but she doesn't want to see that, so it's projected on to me).

Michael told her she couldn't come in the house because he was busy and the baby was sleeping. She then tried to push her way in the door, raised her voice (which is shrill enough when she's calm), and woke the baby up. She also didn't approve that I'd left Declan with Michael for a few hours... mainly because (and these are her words) Michael wouldn't be able to tend to her during that time... so it's all about her and her needs, always is and always will be.

Anyway, later on that evening Michael went down to see her and she copped attitude with him as was like "I see the mother is finally home!" Michael turned around and was like "The mother, has a name and you'll use it thanks." I find it ironic that the day before I go out of my way to interact and make her feel welcome here, and she turns around and cops attitude about me even more. I was like "well I'll just go back to ignoring her then, since it doesn't seem to make her any better."....

Today, she was like "How is Donna? You've picked a great mother for your child!" Like huh? But I now have to remind myself that she's not reasonable, and she's completely random and not mentally well. She likes me today, apparently. Tomorrow she may go back to hating me. What's important is that I just stay pono, and don't let her actions affect me.

On baby related things:

Declan is now smiling quite often, it is soooo cute! And today he was even laughing a little when we were all three of us having play time. It's not much of a laugh, but it's a little chuckle he does with a smile, he is definitely finding us amusing anyway.

He is much more alert in between feeding and sleeping now, we have playtime for at least 30-45mins after eating before he gets tired and needs to be settled down for another sleep.

I'm doing baby massage with him now, he seems to love it. He's much more comfortable about being undressed now (doesn't scream after a bath anymore) and I've been working him up to a fully naked massage by just working on his legs and stomach for now. Today we added in the arms (he was still in his singlet) too and he quite liked that also.

He loves his baths, absolutely adores them. They're probably about 10mins long at this point, he is happy to just sit there, supported by us, and float in the water. He'll kick off the end of the bath and we propel him backwards whenever he does that, he thinks it's great.

Michael is doing "story time" with him. Declan was given a basket full of jungle stuffed toys. He really seems to like the monkey, who has been named Helmet. There is also a Gina the giraffe, and Raffy the Giraffe (a smaller giraffe with bells inside like a rattle). The others haven't made it into the story line yet. But I filmed Part Two of the story today, it was so funny, Declan will actually watch the toy as it's moved around him, and he laughs at Michael telling the story.

He also enjoys the bouncer that Mum bought him, we've added the bar that goes across the front with some dangly toys off it, and he was watching them yesterday. He still isn't coordinated enough to reach for or play with them, but he does love to look at everything. He is so alert and always looking around at what's happening around him.

We've also been putting his bassinette under a windchime currently hanging off a light in the craft/computer area, he really likes that because we move it and it makes noise. He's also had playtime in his cot under the musical mobile with jungle animals and he enjoys that too.

OK, well off to bed for me, before he wakes up for another feed! hehe