donnalotus | Reading

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/spring-sweets-2026

Though it already feels like summer down here in sweltering ol' Florida, I'm determined to make the most of this "Spring" thing. (So long as it doesn't involve leaving the house, of course. Have you SEEN the pollen levels out there? HAVE YOU? Poor John is a one-man sneeze machine.)

Ahem.

So, yeah, in honor of Spring I plan to revel in sweet pastels...

By The Pastry Studio

And cutey-patootie lady bugs...

By Kimmy's Kakes

And even a little gardening!

Made by Jean D.

FYI: Oreo crumb "dirt" is my favorite kind of dirt.

Oh, and I couldn't decide which gardening cake I liked better, so here, have two:

By Truly Custom Cakery

Mmmm...edible garden tools.

I don't wear heels very often, and to be honest I'm not all that fond of shoe cakes...but this is the exception:

By We Love Yan's Cakes

Open mouth: insert shoe.

Seriously, this sweet Jimmy Choo shoe makes me think sugar and spice and everything frilly, girly, and nice. Perfect for a garden party where everyone's sipping tea out of delicate porcelain teacups like this:

Submitted by Emily B. and made by All About Cake

Except these teacups aren't porcelain; they're sugar. WOWZA.

And what garden is complete without a birdhouse?

By Sweet On Cake

(I can't get over that weathered "wood" fence and the "metal" roof. Amazing.)

And we can't forget Spring's main attraction: the flowers!

By Spring Lake Cake

Just when you thought a cake couldn't get any better, you go and learn that the butterflies are made of chocolate. I repeat: THE BUTTERFLIES ARE MADE OF CHOCOLATE.

Man, I love Spring.

And you'll never believe it, but these flowers are made of sugar paste:

Submitted by Alison M.; baker unknown.

And this is actually cake!

Submitted by Isabella, made by Williams-Sonoma

Well, ok, the missing slice helps make it a bit more believable.

If you follow me over on my other blog, Epbot, then you know I've had cherry blossoms on the brain lately. So naturally, I couldn't resist this slice of heaven:

By Small Things Iced

By the way, for all of you in the DC area admiring the cherry blossoms right now: I am so jealous.

Spring weddings always have the cleanest, freshest style:

Made by Julie D.

And finally, let's go out with a Sweet Spring-splosion!

By Sharon Wee Creations

Those flowers may look freshly cut, but they're actually painstakingly hand crafted from sugarpaste. The cake itself is fondant-free, though, and I have to say I'm really digging that texture. Absolutely gorgeous.

Hope you enjoyed my pollen-and-allergen-free Spring Sweets! Happy Sunday!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/spring-sweets-2026

sanguinity

Life has been very busy and I am behind on posting all the things, but this morning I had a few free hours. I spent it writing fic.

Better than Tons of Gold and Cases of Diamonds

The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas for PhoenixFalls
Edmond Dantès/Abbé Faria
Imprisonment, Canon Compliant, Making the Subtext Text, No Betas We Die Like Abbé Faria
Major Character death, 1300 words

Dantès swore that nothing but death would part them. Nothing but death did. Scenes from a sort of marriage.

The last couple of weeks, I've been reading The Count of Monte Cristo with

monte-cristo-daily. We're only just past the Château d'If, so please don't spoil me, I know nothing. (Right now Dantès is buying everyone boats: I heartily approve!)

But from the moment Abbé Faria was introduced, I shipped it. Alas, when I turned to AO3, I discovered this was a "when not even the sickos on AO3 have your back" kind of moment. So I fixed that. ;-)

Inaugural post for the 'ship, hooray!

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/what-can-i-say-except-youre-welcome-2026

I’ll be honest, minions: after all these years, I may still be slightly obsessed with Moana? The constant singing, the aggressive YOU'RE WELCOME-ing, the unrequited mooning over a cross-eyed rooster.

Yeah.

SLIGHTLY.

So check this out:

Brandy ordered this Moana cake for her 9-year old, and I think we can all agree it was a wise move. Not only because MOANA, but because it's a printed edible image. That means no guesswork! No drawing! No instructions to fowl up! (HEY HEY ROOSTER SHOUT-OUT)

And yet, as it turns out,

Every turn we take
Every trail we track
Every ordered cake
Every road leads back
to a place we know:

Specifically, the place where a baker insists this is exactly what you ordered and you should totally pay for it.

My thoughts exactly.

Thanks to Brandy L. for providing all the wreckage that's fit to print.

*****

P.S. See the line where the sky meets the sea? IT'S THIS CUTE WHALE DISH:

Whale Ceramic Butter Dish

D'awww. It calls me.
::singing:: And no one knooo-ows, how far it bloooo-ows.

Eh?

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/what-can-i-say-except-youre-welcome-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/unusual-names-now-with-more-porn-2026

You know what’s better than unusual names? NOTHING!

And here are some of the names on my list:

Gus:

Ellen & Philip:

Georgia:

Try not to call your friend Georgia "Gorgia" from now on. JUST TRY.

Dallas:

Way to OWN that line spacing, baker.

Sophie & Reilly:

Oh, the irony. It's a two-fer!

???

Is this a real name? Please let this be a real name. If only so I can imagine someone saying, "Well, I should head over to the preschool to pick up my Porn."

Or, "Would you ask the babysitter to watch Porn for me?"

Or, "Hey, Mom, I posted pictures of Porn on your Facebook page!"

Or, "Thanks to Porn, I haven't slept in a week and my house is full of stinky diapers."

[gigglesnort] Yep, it's official: someone needs to at least name their dog/cat Porn, STAT.

***

Um, so I had more cakes to post, but I seem to have completely derailed myself with the Porn thing.
(Bet all you cubicle workers know what I mean, EH? Heyoooo!)

So here, let's just go out with a bang:
(Or did we do that already?? [Ok, Ok, I'll stop.])

I guess the lawyers insisted.

(And I can't even tell you what they renamed Piglet.)

Thanks to Andi V., Amadie H., Bryar, Jennifer A., Mark B., Rich G., Holly S., & Rachel F. for helping make today's post especially classy. (POOP AND PORN 4EVA!!!)

*****

P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/unusual-names-now-with-more-porn-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/someday-well-find-it-and-press-charges-2026

First there was the Rainbow Erection:

Then there was the Rainbow Ejection:

And now, presumably a good 30 minutes later, our nation's bakeries give us this:

The Marshmallow-Topped Drippy Rainbow Wang... Confection

(AND IT STILL RHYMES!)

Thanks to Myra D., Aimie T., & Diana W. for making us wonder just how long bakers can keep this up.

*****

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/someday-well-find-it-and-press-charges-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/im-irish-but-dont-you-dare-kiss-me-2026

It's nice to see bakeries really getting into the St. Patrick's Day spirit this week:

By which I mean they've clearly been drinking.

This is one week I'd actually kind of love to work in these bakeries. I wouldn't be drinking, though; I'd just be egging on all the drunk bakers.

I'd be all, "Hey, guys, you know what we need? JEWISH LEPRECHAUNS."

And they'd be all, "OMG JEN YOU ARE SO SMART AND PRETTY BUT MOSTLY SMART."

Sha-POW!

Then I'd hold relay races where all the drunk bakers have to ice a cake with their elbows and pipe on the side swags with their teeth:

Ker-PLOOIE!

Next I'd get them all to do that thing where someone stands behind you and and you pretend their arms are your arms and play icing Pictionary:

Bam! Zap! Ni!

And finally, I'd just be overly enthusiastic about everything they made, no matter HOW terrible, kind of like your favorite aunt acted when you were four:

[shrieking] THIS IS THE BEST SHAMROCK CAKE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Who wants more beer?

[gasp] Did you use the airbrush? WAY TO GO, YOU! And did you cut out that paper pot of gold yourself? You DID?! Well, now, who's a big boy? WHO IS IT?!

I have never wanted to kiss a red UFO more.

Yep, I'm telling you, guys, that would be a HOOT.

Now, y'all have fun today, and be safe, and remember:

Easter wrecks are next.

Thanks to Tamara H., Dan B., Lindsay B., Timothy E., Dara M., Courtney L., Jessica D., & Amanda M., for the sobering selections. ;)

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/im-irish-but-dont-you-dare-kiss-me-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/cloverfield-scares-2026

Tomorrow's the day, everyone!

Yep, the day when bakers try - and mostly fail - to remember what a shamrock looks like.

Here, I'll give you a hint:

NOT THIS.

OR THIS.

They're also not lumpy Xs:

Broccoli stalks:

Wonky crosses:

Or cacti!

Got all that?

Ok... GO.

See, now you're just screwing with me.

Tell you what, bakers, just go back to making leprechauns.

I mean pots of gold.

I mean rainbows.

OH NEVER MIND.

Thanks to Sheree K., Jerod J., Marisa F., Vanessa L., Paula P., Adrienne L., Julie S., Liz, Michael L., & Cara D. for proving there IS such a thing as too much green beer.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/cloverfield-scares-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Sharyn

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-around-the-world-in-80-days-2026

In 1873, Jules Verne published Around the World in 80 Days, the story of Phileas Fogg and his attempt to circumnavigate the globe to win a bet. Now, we can accomplish the same feat in just over two days, with another couple of days added in to get through airport security. (Well, I always manage to get behind that guy...) Today, let's slow down a little and retrace Phileas' trip.

The first thing most people think about when they hear Around the World in 80 Days is a hot air balloon. I found this amazing balloon cake with two guys who might be Phileas and his valet, Passepartout.

By Jacques Fine European Pastries

Isn't this gorgeous? Wouldn't it be great for a little circumnavigating? There's just one problem -- it never happened. There's no hot air balloon travel in the book.

Really, you can look it up.

They did take trains, though, like this beauty.

By Sugar N Spires

"Woo, wooooooooo... Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga..."

They also rode a lot of steamer ships.

By Cake Central member Gingerbread_from_Germany

Don't you love the wooden decking?

Phileas even bought an elephant and hired a guide when there was a gap in the train lines in India.

By Heather Barranco's Dreamcakes

What can I say? It was a big bet -- millions in today's money.

Sadly, he didn't keep the elephant.
(I'd have found a way. Elephants who can accessorize are rare.)

So, now that we've lined up trains, ships and pachyderms, where exactly did Phileas and Passepartout go?

Well, they started in London.

By Elite Cake Designs

Pay no attention to any perceived anachronisms -- Jules Verne was a visionary who predicted electric submarines and video conferencing. An edible double-decker bus wouldn't have stretched his imagination at all.

From London, they headed to Egypt.

Submitted by Stephanie R., photo by Jennifer Klementti Photography, baker The Cake Museum

I'm going to be extra careful the next time I peel the fondant off a cake, just in case there are precious paintings underneath.

Sadly, Phileas didn't have time to stop and read the hieroglyphics. Instead, he pressed on to India.

By Michelle Sugar Art

Just. Wow.

Even though he was on a tight deadline, he still managed to rescue his future wife there. That necessitated a rather rapid departure to Hong Kong.

By Let Them Eat Cake

Do you think anyone would notice if I took one of the dragons? They look like foil-wrapped milk chocolate.

Of course, there wasn't a lot of time to see the sights in Hong Kong, because they had to make their connection to Yokohama next.

By Krumbcakes

This is much too peaceful and zen-like to run past on the way to your next stop. If I hadn't been rooting for Phileas to win, I'd have made him stop for a nice cup of tea.

Sadly, leisurely refreshments weren't in the cards, but a trip to San Francisco was.

By Cake Coquette

I really like the contrast of the razor-edged whiteness of the rest of the cake with the tumbled chaos of Lombard Street.

If Phileas had just had a pair of roller blades, he could have coasted all the way to New York, his next destination.

By The Icing on the Cake

It's just wicked that he didn't have time to catch a show, but the schedule was getting VERY tight, and Phileas still had to get back across the Atlantic.

After inciting a mutiny and burning most of the wooden parts of a ship for steam, Phileas and friends made it to Ireland,

By hello babycakes

which, you've got to admit, was pretty lucky. (Don't worry, they appeased the Captain by paying him a boatload of money.)

Still, there was one more stop before they got their pot of gold.

So, back to London they went.

By Emmacakes

Sadly, it appeared they were a day late -- but of course, it wasn't that black and white.

They'd forgotten about the International Date Line! Upon realizing the correct date, Phileas rushed to his club and won the bet! Significantly richer, he married his lady love and settled down to a quiet life.

(Maybe he even bought a hot air balloon...)

Happy Sunday!

*****

P.S. I've been waiting for an excuse to buy these, so thought I'd share in case you have one:

Hot Air Balloon Paper Lantern Set

Wouldn't these be adorable party decorations? You get all 6 for less than $15, and there are more patterns/colors to choose from at the Amazon link.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-around-the-world-in-80-days-2026

mark posting in

dw_maintenance

Happy Saturday!

I'm going to be doing a little maintenance today. It will likely cause a tiny interruption of service (specifically for www.dreamwidth.org) on the order of 2-3 minutes while some settings propagate. If you're on a journal page, that should still work throughout!

If it doesn't work, the rollback plan is pretty quick, I'm just toggling a setting on how traffic gets to the site. I'll update this post if something goes wrong, but don't anticipate any interruption to be longer than 10 minutes even in a rollback situation.

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/hold-on-to-your-hats-sports-fans-2026

Wreckporter Barry B. gives us the skinny:

My wife went into a cake maker to get a small cake for my birthday. They asked what she’d like on it and she said, "How about the Chicago 'C', like The Chicago Bears’ 'C' logo? Is that possible?"

They said, "The Chicago C? No problem."

...it was the funniest present I’ve ever received.

Let's hope that Justina felt the same way about her University of Michigan cake, which was supposed to look like this:

But ended up looking like this:

Oh! A swing and a miss!

Karen M.'s son asked for the Alabama "A" on his birthday cake. To help the bakery out, his aunt brought in a photocopy of his Alabama hat to use as a reference.

(Can you sense where this is going? If not, then you really haven't been reading this blog long enough. Heh.)

Ready?

Here's the cake:

Thank goodness they didn't bring the actual hat in; that icing would take forever to clean off.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/hold-on-to-your-hats-sports-fans-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/ken-day-come-ons-the-squelching-2026

And now, our yearly tradition continues...

[dimming lights]

[queuing up sexy saxophone music]

[adjusting Speedo]

Hey, Bebeh.

How YOU doin'?

Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.

Except maybe that one.

(Never again, Cancun. NEVER AGAIN.)

That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:

Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.

Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:

I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]

What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking?

Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?

I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.

(*That one's for you, decorators.)

These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.

Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:

You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.

Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.

[grunting]

[squelching noises]

Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:

Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS.

Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.

[jiggle jiggle]

Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.

*****

A few years ago, after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.

Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.

So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.

Watch on YouTube

Note from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.

So I present to you... The chipmunk version!

Watch on YouTube

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/ken-day-come-ons-the-squelching-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/whistle-while-you-hurk-2026

Sometimes cake shopping is like being stuck in a Fractured Fairy Tale.

Like Snow White, you set out hoping for something "charming," but in the light of day you find yourself stuck with the second string dwarves.

There's Creepy:

Made by the incredibly talented Sarah Jones
"I dare you to cut me."

Queasy:

"I can't believe I ate ITS WHOLE WING."

Crazy:

"WOOLOOLOOOLALALAAAAAAAA!!"

Drippy:

(Queasy's second cousin)

Hairy:

She's planning on using your birthday candles for a waxing later.

Horny:

"Because I have horns, you see. And I'm really Randy.

"(It's short for Randolph. Horny is my ... [sunglasses] ... MIDDLE NAME.)"

And of course, that old favorite:

.doc

Thanks to Stacey, Kimberly C., Carly G., Rachel K., Anony M., Bob B., & Jessica C., who know a picture is worth a thousand words - or in this case, one printable image file.

*****

I will make up for that with not one, but TWO cute unicorn mugs:

Rainbow Unicorn/Pink Narwhal Coffee Mug

One by land, one by sea!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/whistle-while-you-hurk-2026

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/out-of-office-reply-2026

Hello and thank you for visiting Cake Wrecks, where all of your hopes for humanity are dashed on a daily basis. Sadly, we are unable to meet your humor requirements today due to:

__ Travel
__ Zombie Apocalypse
__ A pack of wild rodents gnawing off our extremities
__ All of the above
X Nap time

Instead, please take this opportunity to entertain yourself by:

- Correcting this cake:

- Guessing what this is supposed to be:

- Brainstorming at least three (3) suitable puns for this:

Always Butterflies: Now with wings!

- Writing a short story to explain this scene:

Suggested title: Revenge of the lobsters

- Leaving a colorful message after the beep.

*beep*

Thanks to Gin M., Lori R., Elaine K., and Anne M. for continuing to hold.

******

P.S. Hey fellow book lovers, I just found what may be the prettiest bookmark EVER, check this out:

Metal Feather Charm Bookmark

It's like jewelry for your book! You can choose from gold or silver - or get both, because they're on sale this week for less than $10 each! I won't judge.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: