Birth Trauma

[donnalotus]

I was reading a post on the Natural Parenting Australia facebook page last night about what they're now terming "birth rape". It's absolutely disgusting the amount of abuse that is perpetrated against a woman in labour and some of the stories posted after this article were horrifying.

I wouldn't classify my own experience as extreme like some of the stories where these women were having procedures done without their knowledge or permission (such as their membranes stripped, waters broken, cervix stretched, episiotomies etc. etc.) but I definitely came out with what I am starting to feel is birth trauma.

It's been four weeks today and I'm still bursting into tears randomly whenever I think about some of the things I went through over the course of those two days where I was in hospital prior to and during the birth.

I didn't get the beautiful birth I was hoping (and planning) for, and while I was fully conscious and able to make my own decisions around some things, I still had to fight at times for things such as pain medication, and because it was allowed to go on so long and I was so tired, I chose to give in on some things - After the labour stalled, and the baby wasn't moving down the birth canal, I even asked for an epidural at one point because I was in that much back pain due to back labour because he had turned to face the wrong direction. But they never intended to give me one, they didn't even want to give me gas for pain relief because I wasn't screaming at them and acting like a woman in labour.

That was one of the "mistakes" they made when I was first admitted. Because I was over the 35% Body Mass Index (BMI) I had to be assessed for risks of putting me under for c-section or other emergency procedures by an anaethetist. I was given the all clear, but with the added instruction that the anaethetist on duty whenever I went in had the final say as to whether I could stay in Sale or be moved to a larger hospital with better facilities. I never saw the anaethetist on duty when I came into the hospital. My OB wasn't on duty, and the OB on duty never even came and examined me because he "had better things to do".

"He pissed off..." is basically what my birth support person told me.

After the labour was induced using picotin (something else I didn't want prior to, but I allowed to get things moving) I was so tired I could barely push, and I had been in so much pain for so long any added pain was just killing me. I just wanted to sleep. It was getting to the point where my OB was going to use forceps to get the baby out, which is when I found the energy to take the last few hours and just "get this baby out now."

All in all it was a traumatic experience because of the exhaustion I felt, and the level of no-control I felt in the end because I was too tired to do anything except go along with the OB's direction. At least I had really caring midwives and the OB is fairly decent (just no bedside manner) so I didn't get subjected to any derision or ridicule like some of the stories I've read. I was always kept informed of the procedures being done (my support person saw to that) and I had full control over what I wanted to do in relation to that.

After the placenta was delivered, and I started to hemorrhage because the uterus was too tired to contract and stop the bleeding, I experienced what I would consider the most painful experience of the whole labour. I'm not 100% sure of what was done, but my OB had to get any remaining placenta out of the uterus in order for the bleeding to stop. I was informed of this, but I was not prepared for the pain involved in that. I hadn't screamed once during the entire labour, but I was screaming my head off during that procedure - for the first time since I'd gone into labour I bitched someone out, it was excruciating.

I don't know what she used, but my entire uterus was pretty much scraped clean, and I am left just praying that no damage has been done to it now which might prevent me from conceiving and carrying another child in the future.  Then there's the whole trauma of "I never want to go through that experience ever again." There's a massive fear for getting pregnant again and going through a repeat. There's doubt that I could have a positive birth experience after the last one. Which leaves me with the choice of a c-section which I don't really want, but at this point feel I have no choice over because I'm so scared to try a natural birth again.

I think it's going to take a really long time to deal with this whole experience. Physically I feel almost normal again, the stitches have come out, I have my energy back, I don't ache all over... but the emotional side of things is going to take a lot, lot longer...

Comments

[sidheblessed]

I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted and ended up with such a traumatic experience. I'm sending you so much empathy and support right now. ♥

[donnalotus]

Thank you! It's slowly starting to fade which is why I have to keep writing what I remember of it. As the weeks go by I start thinking MAYBE I could do it again...