Going home

[donnalotus]

A tiny twinge to the throat on the way back from a weekend up Home, and a day later I was confined to bed for a week. I’m now finally able to really get down to some of the things I’ve learned during that week about myself, my body, and how I process my emotions.

For a start, I love Louise Hay’s work, particularly her book Heal Your Body, it's always a good start when dealing with physical illness. I have also found another good book along the same lines but has some different information in Lise Bourbeau’s book Your Body’s Telling You: Love Yourself!

In this book Lise talks about viruses and I found this particularly interesting: “When a virus has caused a disease to develop in the body, it indicates a willingness to be invaded by a self-devised thought process that keeps you from being yourself. Allowing an invasion of this kind means that there must be a crack or an opening in your emotional or mental body. These cracks occur when bitterness or resentment have been allowed to fester.” Then I looked up Tonsils because they were a bit swollen over this period as well. “Tonsillitis indicates anger or frustration at a situation that you just can’t swallow.”

According to Squidoo and the spiritual meanings behind physical illness, coughs are a desire to bark at the world.

Kumu asked me to take a look at my throat, and communication, and noticed that I have always come back sick whenever I’ve been up Home visiting my parents, in particular, I always have a reaction to my Dad in general. I really took this to bed (literally) to mull over as I got sicker and sicker with fevers, coughing (the Doctor actually thought there was a chance I had Whooping Cough), and general fatigue. I “slept on it” for a week.

 

 

Here’s what I learned, in no particular order – the first two have separate entries in and of themselves – click to read:
 

1. The totems of the land at Dad’s farm, the farm I grew up on, want me to communicate their thoughts to him, because he isn’t listening.

2. My fear of failure and blockages to success come from a long line of family disappointments, poverty, judgment about wealth, and unworthiness.

3. This is the second “cleanse” I’ve gone through since my initiation dream about three weeks ago, and I’m only ¾ of the way through the moon cycle, I’m not surprised this has been such a rough week, it was the week of the West (given the position of the cycle) and healing had to occur.

4. I have all the tools I need to move through this, I just have to listen.

5. I don’t have confidence in my Boss to fix the training unit. I’m actually losing confidence in him to pull anything off as he seems to be losing his drive and sabotaging the unit at times through inaction. (Hello unspoken anger!)

6. I’m pissed off at my younger sister for some reason, we are energetically butting heads at the moment, it’ll pass, it’s just annoying the crap out of me right now.

7. I have a fantastic, caring, adorable man who loves and supports me. (And I keep thinking it’s all going to end horribly because he can’t possibly put up with me long-term......)

 

Good things I got out of going Home were:

1. Michael and Dad had a day of bonding; he went and helped Dad with getting some firewood. Usually this was something my brother had to do, but Ken’s been limiting his contact (ie. He’s not going up Home every bloody weekend) in order to actually have a life with his daughter, girlfriend, and friends (ie. He’s captaining the cricket team this Summer!) Unfortunately for Ken, this puts him in the shitbox with Dad for a while, but it’s necessary, Work is not life.

2. Mum and I spent time sewing and being crafty. She put her incredible design and sewing skills together to create a sling-like bag to carry some of my tools with me when I’m out bush. I was shown the bag in the initiation dream mentioned above, and I’ve wanted to make it ever since!

3. We went out to the new pizza place in the town over, it was very good!

4. Dad took us touring down to the Mitta Mitta to check out how high the river was, and then took us around to see where the Morass was all flooded with the rain. I haven’t seen the Morass flooded like it was in probably... 15 years, it was a beautiful sight! I kept saying to Michael, “Now THIS is what Home looked like to me when I was growing up – every year was like this!”

5. The rats got to run around like mad at Mum’s because there wasn’t really anywhere to hide when they were out of their cage – they loved it, especially Rom. We can’t really let them out where we currently live because I’ll never get them out from behind/under all the storage boxes and things I have to keep all my books / craft supplies etc. in.

6. Seeing the land all lush and green again, it was beautiful.

7. Seeing swans nesting!

I wrote a journal entry many many years ago about how you can never go home again. I was wrong. It felt like I’d come home again this time, and it was pretty much how it had always been, I’m just older, and hopefully a little wiser, now. Things change, but you can always go home, even if it’s just in your heart.