donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)
My most despised saying for the past week would have to be "you're making a rod for your own back." I'm soooo over that. I'm going to do it my way, I don't care if people think I'm making the wrong decision, the decision is mine to be made. I choose to make my own decisions based on my thoughts, feelings and research - and if it backfires, it backfires, I will have to deal with the consequences. Just don't lecture me because I don't conform to your thoughts and opinions.

It's been a long week...

We had Equinox down at the Medicine Wheels in SE Melbourne to attend. Declan and Mum both came with me, and he got to attend a pipe ceremony with a very old teaching pipe from the reservations in America. This pipe is going to be buried at the end of the year, so it was a privilege to have the opportunity to sit in ceremony with it. Declan did exceptionally well in ceremony, I was so proud of my little boy. True, he did just lie under a blanket in my arms the whole time, and only semi-grizzled once (before being put on the breast), but in my eyes that's doing exceptionally well. I've known adults to behave worse in ceremony (haha).

There's probably heaps I have to write about, I just don't know where to start, my brain is a little sleep deprived at the moment. I haven't really had a chance to rest much today because Declan just doesn't want to sleep. He did have a pretty decent 4-5 hour sleep this morning, but that was just after I'd woken up for the day and so I couldn't go back to sleep. Instead, now he's fighting sleep (Michael is having his turn now) and I'm just falling asleep thinking about it.... I might have to drag him out on to the couch with me and we can both sleep there in front of the TV. Yes, that's making a rod for my own back, but it's also co-sleeping and comforting your beautiful child who is feeling restless, or needy, or whatever.

Mum's driving me a little batty at the moment. She's being a bit passive-aggressive with her suggestions on how we should be handling the baby. I know she's just trying to help, but I can't handle it very well when I'm tired. When I'm not tired I just shrug it off and continue to do what I want. But when I am tired her comments just annoy me, here's a couple that have been said today:

"He's stirring!" 
(After hearing Declan chatting in his bassinette in the bedroom - ie. The baby is awake are you going to attend to him before he starts screaming? I dont like to hear babies cry, so you better get him up or see what is wrong before I go in there.)

"Is he playing up again is he?" 
(After coming out of her room and seeing the Michael must be in with Declan. - My answer "I wouldn't call it playing up, he's just not going to sleep, but he's not upset or screaming.")

"Must be almost time for another feed is it?"
Common issue with Declan mind you, because he will sometimes stay awake the entire 3-4 hours in between feeds so we just end up feeding him again... but he's NOT hungry, it's only been about 2 hours since his last feed and he's not acting hungry, he's just awake.

There's more, but they're the ones I can think of now.

That all being said, he's a beautiful boy, I love him to pieces. I was just in there before giving him a bit of breastmilk to stop his hiccups, and then I put him in his bassinette and he smiled as I was stroking his forehead to get him to doze off. He's so bewitching.


donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (mermaid)

On this day of your life, Donna, I believe God wants you to know...

...that patience, above all else, is what is needed right

now. Do not let anxiousness or frustration take over.

Neale Donald Walsch

 

It seems like my entire life is a lesson in patience at this time, which comes as no surprise with a new baby. But the bigest teacher of all is MIL as she seems to deteriorate even more. I have had many discussions with friends and mentors lately about her mental condition, and the biggest thing that seems to be standing out above all else is that we can no longer treat her like an ordinary person. She is paranoid and most of the time delusional. It would be impossible to get a diagnosis because she wouldn't see anyone, and she's stopped going to the counsellor she was seeing about Julia's death because she "knows more than the counsellor." She did try to get Michael there, but that was more an attempt to manipulate him through what she would perceive is external forces (ie. the counsellor says you should....)

Something that both Mari and Mum have said to me lately is that I can no longer relate to her as someone who is in full possession of her faculties. In fact, I should be relating to her as I would have any client that walked in the door when I was working at the community health centre in the mental health division. That is, don't take anything she says personally, stop trying to reason with her because she can't be reasoned with, and just keep being pono (walking with integrity) in my interactions with her because she doesn't remember what I do and don't do anyway, and what she doesn't remember she fills in with her "lies" anyway. One of signs of dementia is actually that someone who is starting to forget things will make up what happened to appear as if they aren't forgetting things...

Today was a good reminder that I need to take it one day at a time with her. It's almost like dealing with someone with alzhiemers or dementia actually, because you never know what state of mind she will be in when she wakes up - or even sometimes from hour to hour.  Take for instance, Sunday we invited her over for dinner. I went out of my way to make her feel welcome, to talk with her, and to even make eye contact constantly (something she likes, but which tends to make me feel uncomfortable) - I thought I was more than congenial, she was good with the baby this time which helped as most of my needing to avoid her during visits is because she will tend to make him cry and that upsets me because I feel like I can't just step in and tell her she's holding him wrong or something because it will upset her.

Then yesterday I went out for a few hours to a doctors appointment and then stopped to pick up groceries - Declan was sleeping so Michael stayed home with him as we'd had a long day getting him to take his daytime naps and didn't want to disrupt him further. MIL had been out as well, and when she saw I wasn't home when she got back, she tried to barge into the house as soon as she realised Michael was still here. She often does that when I'm not around because she says I make her feel unwelcome in the house (it's actually Michael who spends his time making her feel unwelcome, and he does it deliberately so she won't impose all the time like she would otherwise... but she doesn't want to see that, so it's projected on to me).

Michael told her she couldn't come in the house because he was busy and the baby was sleeping. She then tried to push her way in the door, raised her voice (which is shrill enough when she's calm), and woke the baby up. She also didn't approve that I'd left Declan with Michael for a few hours... mainly because (and these are her words) Michael wouldn't be able to tend to her during that time... so it's all about her and her needs, always is and always will be.

Anyway, later on that evening Michael went down to see her and she copped attitude with him as was like "I see the mother is finally home!" Michael turned around and was like "The mother, has a name and you'll use it thanks." I find it ironic that the day before I go out of my way to interact and make her feel welcome here, and she turns around and cops attitude about me even more. I was like "well I'll just go back to ignoring her then, since it doesn't seem to make her any better."....

Today, she was like "How is Donna? You've picked a great mother for your child!" Like huh? But I now have to remind myself that she's not reasonable, and she's completely random and not mentally well. She likes me today, apparently. Tomorrow she may go back to hating me. What's important is that I just stay pono, and don't let her actions affect me.

On baby related things:

Declan is now smiling quite often, it is soooo cute! And today he was even laughing a little when we were all three of us having play time. It's not much of a laugh, but it's a little chuckle he does with a smile, he is definitely finding us amusing anyway.

He is much more alert in between feeding and sleeping now, we have playtime for at least 30-45mins after eating before he gets tired and needs to be settled down for another sleep.

I'm doing baby massage with him now, he seems to love it. He's much more comfortable about being undressed now (doesn't scream after a bath anymore) and I've been working him up to a fully naked massage by just working on his legs and stomach for now. Today we added in the arms (he was still in his singlet) too and he quite liked that also.

He loves his baths, absolutely adores them. They're probably about 10mins long at this point, he is happy to just sit there, supported by us, and float in the water. He'll kick off the end of the bath and we propel him backwards whenever he does that, he thinks it's great.

Michael is doing "story time" with him. Declan was given a basket full of jungle stuffed toys. He really seems to like the monkey, who has been named Helmet. There is also a Gina the giraffe, and Raffy the Giraffe (a smaller giraffe with bells inside like a rattle). The others haven't made it into the story line yet. But I filmed Part Two of the story today, it was so funny, Declan will actually watch the toy as it's moved around him, and he laughs at Michael telling the story.

He also enjoys the bouncer that Mum bought him, we've added the bar that goes across the front with some dangly toys off it, and he was watching them yesterday. He still isn't coordinated enough to reach for or play with them, but he does love to look at everything. He is so alert and always looking around at what's happening around him.

We've also been putting his bassinette under a windchime currently hanging off a light in the craft/computer area, he really likes that because we move it and it makes noise. He's also had playtime in his cot under the musical mobile with jungle animals and he enjoys that too.

OK, well off to bed for me, before he wakes up for another feed! hehe

Big Day

Sep. 16th, 2011 05:26 pm
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

On this day of your life, Donna, I believe God wants you to know...
...that your contribution to this very day could set the stage for an entirely different kind of year.
- Neale Donald Walsch

I love this message from Neale. It feels quite applicable today. We had a busy day today, first Declan slept 5 hours from 6-11pm last night, and after a feed and back to bed he slept another 6 hours and woke up around 5:15am. I was floored! But then, he had a big day yesterday too.

Today we had Camera Club down at the Neighbourhood House, it's just in its infancy so a little slow going at the moment. Mum and I are both waiting for the others to get motivated to do some field trips to take photos, like the Camera Club back home. Still, they'll get there, I hope. Declan was a little grizzly for it but went to sleep after a feed. Then we came home for lunch, then off to a program called BoBs and Bibs (an exercise program for pregnant women and mothers with babies up to 9 months old).

The program is run by the local Community Health Centre, and is in its infancy as well (only been running for 2 weeks). As such there was only myself and one other mother there. We had fun though. It's quite a good program, lots of strength based training, I think it will be really good to participate in. The best part is you can take your baby and they join in (you can use them as weights LOL)... for instance you just hold them when you're doing lunges, squats etc. and this adds to the intensity of the workout. Then for some of the upper body work they lie under or on you (depending on what you're doing) for the push-ups, sit-ups, etc.

Declan got grizzly about half way through so I had to breastfeed him, and I felt totally ok with doing that in the middle of the session. I even did the cool-down stretches with him attached and feeding at a boob - it was hilarious. But I figure, well, this is a new program and we're the pioneers (or guinea pigs) so I might as well set an example now on how I expect the program to be flexible around my baby and our needs. I'm hoping some of the women from my mother's group who were interested start to turn up, it'll be a great program once it gets some numbers and is a worthwhile program to support.

donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (expansion)

So far the electric breast pump is doing really well. I haven't been pumping much because I still want to keep some in the breast for the baby, but I got 20ml earlier this morning and just now pumped about 30ml. This will do a "top up" for Declan later on in the day. We'll still have to use formula for a little bit until my breasts catch up to this new "more frequent" use and make more milk (or at least, that's the plan if they really do produce milk to the demand). Hopefully in a few days I'll be able to pump enough milk in between normal feeds to supplement when the breasts seem dry, or Declan is having a hard time getting milk out of them.

I found an interesting article here about Chronic Low Milk Supply. I read some of this and think, well I had/have at least five of those stimuli that can bring about a low milk supply... it's devastating really when all you want to do is feed your baby, and it's incredibly, incredibly frustrating when you get pro-BF people in your face saying basically "formula = the devil, you're going to Hell!" or something to that extreme when you say you have to supplement with formula because you're just not making enough milk. Then it becomes a case of "well what are you doing wrong?"  Maybe I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm doing everything I've been told to do and then some and it still doesn't seem to be enough. Like new mothers don't have enough to worry about without being made to feel guilty or bullied about breastfeeding.

Link: http://www.mobimotherhood.org/MM/article-lms.aspx
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (landwork)
It's been a frustrating couple of days. Trying to figure out why Declan has been so belly achy. I finally hit on the feeling that it's the formula that we've been using to supplement the breastfeeding. I did some more research and found out a lot of people actually have trouble with the S-26 formula we've been using - including tummy aches, excessive wind, ballooning weight gain, and even constipation. This sounds a lot like my poor little boy at the moment. I feel like a total failure and have been beating myself up about it ever since. I was pressured into the formula by Mum, who had me convinced that my breastmilk must simply not be good enough.

This was an easy convince, considering the stress I've been dealing with in relation to the MIL and then feeling like Declan was never satisfied. I had myself convinced as well. Instead of sticking with it just that little bit longer, I caved in and started formula because I came down with a really bad cold, and I couldn't stop coughing. The coughing was so bad I had to take cough medicine just to stop the continual barking... and you can't take cough medicine when you're breast feeding. So I stopped altogether for about 2-3 days while I got better from the cold. It's been an uphill battle ever since to convince both Mum and Michael that he needs to be taken off the formula altogether.

We finally decided to purchase an electric breast pump to use in between feeds to hopefully increase milk supply up to a large amount for more regular feedings so I dont have to use formula in the near future. In the meantime I've purchased an organic formula from a company in Tasmania that has rave reviews. People who had been on S-26 and experiencing all the the above issues found that the wind and constipation disappeared as soon as they switched to this formula, so if I have to continue to use it occasionally then I'm praying that this will at least be a better option for him.

I'm getting stronger. I'm able to put my foot down about a lot of things that I've been feeling pressured about from other people. I'm just still so tired, and that makes me weak because I just don't have the energy to put up the fight - even when I know I should do so. I can just keep going as I am and get stronger, hopefully it will get easier with the differing opinions on how I should raise my child as I put my foot down more often about it.
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

Things are much better today. Michael and I had a good talk last night about yesterday and my concerns. He knew he'd screwed up and agreed that he didn't need to run off and ignore everyone when it was only a couple of hours - Ken was disappointed that Michael took off and wasn't around to chat to also. So it won't be happening again.

Apparently, according to Grandma (and probably everyone else) I'm spoiling my baby because I choose not to let him cry when he's distressed. There has been countless research and findings that show babies flourish from attentive parenting rather than the old school "let them cry it out" but the oldies just don't get it. Findings show that children who were left to "cry it out" because they weren't hungry or wet simply learned to not bother crying because their cries for attention (whether it's for physical comfort or something else) weren't addressed.

Anyway, more on that later because I've gotta go feed the bubs :)  IN the meantime, good article here on crying: http://www.evolutionaryparenting.com/?p=360
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (bear medicine)

Michael had a lot of visitations last night while sleeping from the sounds of things. Always the skeptic, he's putting it down to "weird dreams" but he had ravens following him around in one dream talking to him (which to me is always a sign the Grandmothers are around) and saying that he needs to remain calm on the inside and that will affect the outside. Then he had another dream of a race of people, somewhere in a hot and humid climate that wore plant-like clothing and bone breastplates, jewellery etc. They spoke at length with him also about "staying on the path", which he even said "I don't think they meant a literal path". Either way he says he woke up feeling much more at ease, not stressed like he always feels, and happy. Who knows, maybe the messages were for me because I haven't really been listening to the Grandmothers lately, it wouldn't be the oddest way for them to get through to me.

I was happy about that, even I felt half-way human again after a good night with the baby. Mind you, I'm a bit pissed off at him now because we had a family lunch today, and he always disappears after lunch. WE have to put up with his mother, but it's too much for him (the only other male other than my brother) to stay and socialise for an hour? That pisses me off. Worse when he came back inside from hiding in the garage just in time to see everyone off, and then I smelled gunga on his breath... so he's off smoking dope in the garage while I'm having to socialise with his mother? I don't think so, there's going to have to be a few new rules put in place about that I think.

So much for "I'll quit once we've had the baby." Yeah right. Fucking addicts, they just lie lie lie - to themselves more than anyone else.

He thinks I'm not going to follow through, and probably agreed more to keep the peace and placate me, but I will be arranging couples counselling for us this week, I've had enough of this bullshit, and we're right back at square one where we were the time we split up while he was home in Perth visiting his mother. Only now I co-own a house with her and him, and I have a baby to him. I'd really, really, really like to have not made another huge fucking mistake by moving here and turning my world upside down, but frankly, he's acting more like my ex-husband than I'm comfortable with lately...
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (transformation)

I was reading a post on the Natural Parenting Australia facebook page last night about what they're now terming "birth rape". It's absolutely disgusting the amount of abuse that is perpetrated against a woman in labour and some of the stories posted after this article were horrifying.

I wouldn't classify my own experience as extreme like some of the stories where these women were having procedures done without their knowledge or permission (such as their membranes stripped, waters broken, cervix stretched, episiotomies etc. etc.) but I definitely came out with what I am starting to feel is birth trauma.

Cut for possible triggers - discussion around birth procedures )

Metung

Sep. 3rd, 2011 07:33 pm
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (expansion)

I've had a couple of really good days. Yesterday I contacted the Steiner Playgroup & Kindergarten in the town about 30mins drive away. I'm quite excited to find a Steiner school down this way as I'll be keen to get Declan involved and expose him to different, natural, earth-based ways of thinking. I was hoping that someone there would be able to recommend a local pediatrician or GP that is a bit more open to non-traditional vaccination (such as homeopathic) or at least who would discuss the dangers of vaccinating with me.

Yes, I'm one of those people. I'm sorry, but there's so much information out there, and even one of the people involved in the American vaccination development programs says that the jury is still pretty much out on the dangers of vaccinations. My concern is actually around autism and the growing links between children vaccinated in the 1980s (and possibly earlier) and the sudden appearance of children going from highly functioning and active children to brain damaged and/or autistic.

I spoke with a woman (Kath) who couldn't recommend someone to me, but she did give me some great information to look into, including a website and a Doctor (Isaac Golden) who has a wealth of information on the dangers of vaccinations, and he also believes strongly that it's safer and better to use homeopathy to boost our childrens' immunity to diseases - he even sells a homeopathic immunisation kit which Kath uses for her children.

I also found out there's a Steiner playgroup in Metung, which is only 15 minutes away from here, so a little closer, and I can pretty much start going whenever I like because even if Declan can't interact with the children, it's an opportunity for me to meet the other mothers and get to know people. I'm really looking forward to it, I'm hoping to find a few like-minded people that I can really get along with and maybe make some good friends.

Today Mum and I took Declan on a drive down to Metung because I've actually never been there before, even when I lived in Bairnsdale from '97-'98. Metung is pretty much a tourist destination for people who like boating, or fishing, or whatever kind of hobbies can be done on the water. There's water everywhere and is quite beautiful, but not as nice as the beach. Still, we had a nice lunch at the bakery (spinach and ricotta pastry) and Declan slept the whole time through, so no grizzling or needing to stop to feed him either.

Tomorrow is the Lakes Entrance market so we're all going down to that, which should make the MIL happy as she cracked the major shits because she didn't get to go last time because *gasp* I went into labour and went to the hospital. We're likely to go out for lunch, I think, for Father's Day. We have been trying to start a Sunday roast type thing every week to give MIL something to interact with the family during, and so on, but I think I'm going to cull them back to every fortnight at least because frankly, she annoys the hell out of me and I don't enjoy it, neither does anyone else really other than her. 

Either way, it's hard to go to the market and then come home and have a roast (or any kind of) lunch ready because MIL can't get her ass out of the house before 10:30am-ish generally (and that's on a good day). It wouldn't be a problem if she could get herself up and dressed and ready to go by 9am, like most people on market day, but she can't so it's hard to be in two places at once. Therefore, there's no lunch prepared for tomorrow's Father Day (not at my house anyway), so if it's going to happen, it's happening at the local pub, or a cafe or something.

Anyway, gotta run, Declan is refusing to settle down (even after a nappy change, 45mins on breastmilk AND 120ml of formula), so going to have to sit and try to rock him to sleep at this point as he's getting over-tired and grumpy!
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (transformation)

So, I have returned to the land of the internet, it’s been a while. I’ve been loitering on Facebook, but that’s about it. I’ve been trying for the last month to get my thoughts in order, to post and write about what’s happened, but there just doesn’t seem to be any good place to start.

I’ve had the baby, born 8th August, 7lb 7oz (3.56kg), 51cm long. It was a long and ended up being complicated labour which I will be talking about later on, but suffice to say that the baby and all are doing well, the whole experience has left me a bit physically traumatised due to fatigue and a severe hemorrhage (over a litre of blood) after the placenta was birthed.

Mistakes were made on behalf of the hospital, yet at the same time I was surrounded by the people I needed to get me through the whole thing. Unfortunately some of those who got me through it (the midwives) were also the same people who made a few bad judgement calls… a lot of it was due to the fact that most of them didn’t believe I was actually in labour because apparently I didn’t act like a woman in labour (ie. I didn’t bitch them out and yell and scream the whole time). So yes, mistakes were made, it was a horrible ordeal in the end, but it was also an incredible rebirth to go through.

Rebirth I certainly went through, I didn’t realise at the time because I was so tired from being in labour almost 46 hours, but I came really close to dying from that bleed. It was a surreal experience because I didn’t really know what was happening, it was only later when I was reflecting upon it all that the thought of “oh my god, I really came close there…” even came to mind.

A new totem showed up during this time, one I never really connected to before, but the name Graceful Swan was given during the whole labour and birth, and has been with me since then. This is in stark contrast to some of my more “clumsy” totems which can be overbearing and strong, this is a very gentle energy. I have been connecting to this energy ever since.

I have well and truly entered the East with this whole experience. I have rebirthed as much as the baby has rebirthed (birthed) into this world. I will be talking a bit about that soon as well. I was going to try and chronologically cover what happened but it’s just not working, so instead, I’m going to be writing about the things that have occurred in the last 3-4 weeks in no particular order as they come up for me to process and heal.

The baby, Declan, is beautiful, the most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I feel so blessed to have had him choose me for a mother. He is amazing, and my heart just opens even more every time I look at him. We’ve been having a few issues with my milk supply, but it’s slowly being fixed and we’re surviving, in fact he was weighed today and he’s put on 170g in the last 4 days. Before that he was 100g up on his birth weight (and he’d lost 50g of his birth weight in the first few days) … so he’s up about 270g from his birth weight, which is great.

OK, this will do for now. I’m cross posting this to my new Blogger account and my Dreamwidth & Livejournal accounts, so you can follow me at either.

http://swanrising.blogspot.com/
http://donnalotus.dreamwidth.org
http://donnalotus.livejournal.com

Update

Apr. 6th, 2011 02:42 pm
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

The “massive” week is finally over. Last Monday night Michael’s mum (mother-in-law aka MIL aka Devil Woman) flew over from Perth arriving in Melbourne around 6am. We had to pick her up, then collect the cat, then get her to her motel. The motel room was an absolute disaster cesspool of grossness when we got there so I ended up asking Grandma if she could survive a week putting MIL up in her spare bedroom. She agreed so then we took her home and set her up there.

Grandma and MIL ended up getting along quite well. I’m sure by the end of the week they were both sick to death of each other and ready to go their separate ways, but it has served a couple of things. 1. Was to reintroduce Grandma to the need for regular giveaway that can sometimes be more about what we are offering and less about what we are willing to offer at the time; and 2. MIL now has a better connection to my family and may not isolate herself so much from family gatherings, which is the way she was headed from our last “misunderstanding” where she interpreted my invitation to join us for meals and family events as demanding that she attend whether she wants to or not.

The house closed last Tuesday without any issue whatsoever – HUGE RELIEF – so we are now home owners in our beautiful little town of Lakes Entrance. We then set our sights toward finding a new car, because my current little car – Lily – is on her last tyres… poor thing. She has been leaking power steering fluid like there’s no tomorrow causing all kinds of smoking to be going on under the bonnet (hood for Americans) and just an embarrassment in general. But I wasn’t going to pay to get that fixed when I knew a new car was on the horizon.

We were quite fortunate and did some very good manifesting around a car. I had been seeing Toyota Corolla Ascent station wagons around EVERYWHERE. There was even one for sale two houses down – but they were asking way too much for our budget. So we were looking on the CarSales website last Wednesday and put in an enquiry on a couple of cars we liked. Two of them were Corolla Ascent wagons. We then were on our way to get some groceries with the MIL when we got a call asking if we wanted to view the car right then. They were in an entirely different direction, but we said “Sure!” and turned the car around.

We fell in love with this Corolla. It’s 2002 and been owned by an older lady, her son was selling it for her, full service history, nothing wrong with it at all. We put a deposit down pending the RWC coming back as fine the next day. The next day we picked up the car and I’ve been driving it ever since! It’s a beautiful car J  Michael has named ‘him’ George, it seems to suit. Poor Lily is just getting worse, and I am afraid she’s not long for the wrecker’s yard. There are days I wish I hadn’t ever been exposed to Herbie movies as a child because I really do have a soft spot for all cars now……. My heart is very sad at sending her anywhere L

It’s going to be a busy couple of months coming up before I permanently move down to Lakes. I feel like I’m doing a bit of a juggling act, but it’s got to be more the pregnancy brain fog, everything just seems so much more HARDER at the moment to get my head around. I write myself the simplest of notes just trying to plan out my week because otherwise I get to the end of the week and wonder what it was that I had planned to do ???

**

I’ve had some incredibly strange dreams lately:

1. There was a massive, massive, massive tornado headed toward town. My son (that I’m pregnant with now) was about 8yrs old and we were with some of my friends and their children and running for our lives trying to find a place in town that might actually just have a basement (yeah, ok… not likely in Australia). We found an old Masonic lodge type building that had one, but it was going to only be able to hold about 10 people, almost all of us plus a few others, and had to make the decision to go down there sneakily so as to not create a panic among all the people who were milling around knowing they were likely about to die… gah!

2. The next night I dreamed that I was at the farm I grew up on, and in the shed out back. Water just started rising outside the shed, I could see through the windows and it was EVERYWHERE. I was thinking, what do we do once the shed starts to leak? How are we getting out of this one? The world is flooding and we’re all going to die!

3. Not a catastrophic dream, but interesting just the same. I was looking into the sky and saw an alignment of moons (12 of them) in a circle in the sky, like a Medicine Wheel. They were all at different phases of the moon, and in a perfect circle. My teacher’s teacher was there and said to me “This is so rare we might never have seen this in our lifetime.” For a start, Earth had 12 MOONS to line up for a start, but it was more like a constellation you’re seeing in the daytime – you know how when you see the moon during the day with the blue background? It was so beautiful, but seemed very prophetic or something at the same time. Very significant; I have a feeling this might be a lead up to a women’s wheel on our new property.

donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so far, but I’m feeling very whiney over the last week or so. I’m finding acute pain is not the same as ongoing semi-painful yet chronic pain. In short, my tummy HURTS! In the last week in particular I’ve felt the stretch as under-stomach muscles are being stretched out to make room for an expanding uterus. It’s a dull ache that doesn’t really go away at the moment, which I’m grateful isn’t anything worse, or sharp stabbing pains periodically (which would seem to me to be much worse) but my threshold for this aching is pretty low right now.

On the plus side:

·         Ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby is booked in for next Tuesday!

·         Michael got a hold of his mother’s settlement agency and they are depositing the cheque directly for us so that our closing can go ahead on time.

·         The closing is going ahead for next Tuesday!

 

Would you like some cheese with that whine?... not in the greatest frames of minds at the moment )

Tired

Mar. 22nd, 2011 10:27 am
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

I’ve been so neglectful in journaling, there’s been a few paper entries that I’ve done and not transcribed, but in general I’ve just been so tired I haven’t bothered to journal anything. I really need to stop doing that because I’m going to lose the entire pregnancy that way which would be a shame, and also isn’t going to help with writing about it later.

So, updates:

1. Work knows I’m pregnant now. The NewBoss has been pretty supportive, but she also knew about it before I told her, so she’d worked out her “gameplan” before coming to me about negotiating my new contract. Basically, there’s no money to maintain this position full time, we all know that, so I’d been hoping to drop back to 4 days a week anyway, she wants to make it 3 days a week. I’m now looking on this as a blessing because frankly, I don’t even want to be here 1 day a week right now. That will likely start in April, so only two more weeks of full time at this point.

2. The NewBoss is currently working out whether it will be more beneficial for me to take a redundancy at the end of May, or just go on maternity leave from the organisation. Because of my Award I am eligible for paid maternity leave through work, as well as the government paid parental leave which kicks in once the baby is born. So she’s working out which option will net me more money and we’re going to go with that. Either way, I’m finished here at the end of May.

3. Somehow I’ve managed to completely ignore the fact that Mercury goes retrograde next Wednesday. That means communication over the next week and the following month is going to get a bit screwy. I’m already seeing it a bit with our mortgage broker. We’re going to have to keep on top of everyone to make sure all the paperwork gets completed by Friday otherwise we may end up with a late closing.

4. Last week was the first time (since agreeing on a settlement price at the end of February) that we have heard from our solicitor/conveyancer. This is because the contract of sale took so long getting out to us because the vendors took over a week to organise the building insurance that had to go in the Section 32. Then everyone had to sign it, and by the time that happened, plus the long weekend, our solicitor claims he only received it last Monday. Of course, the mortgage company is waiting on the land transfer details HE has to draw up in order to finish our mortgage contract…….

5. I cracked it big time with the solicitor. He taaaallllkks  liiiiikkkeeee soooooo slooooooooooow, and I swear it took him like 5 minutes just to get to the damn point. I was like “Damn dude, I was RAISED in a more rural area than you and I don’t talk like a fricking country bumpkin… how is it that you’re a lawyer???” I had to get Michael to deal with him because I was just so stressed even trying to talk to him. Michael got him on the phone and within 3 minutes of “So, first question, do we have to have a bank cheque at the closing or can it be done via direct transfer?” His answer “I’m not sure.” Michael was like “Well, do you have someone who might actually know, given that this has to be sorted out in like a week?” Long story short, Michael got to talk to this guy’s supervisor who knows her shit, and she was soooo helpful. Thank you so much Grandmothers for putting her into our lives because I just don’t know that anything would have happened with Country Bumpkin on the task……

6. So, the land transfer details finally got sent to the mortgage company (this after they told the mortgage company they didn’t even know who we were when they initially contacted them for details) and the mortgage papers arrived yesterday and have been super fast platinum expressed to Perth for Michael’s mum to sign. We should hopefully get them back by Wednesday which means everything will be in place to close next Tuesday.

7. Country Bumpkin started to tell me that if we don’t get the finances sorted then the vendors are sounding like they’re going to charge us penalty interest. He couldn’t tell me exactly how much this was, in fact, he couldn’t tell me much of anything really, useless. Michael talked to the Smart Lady and she said she would be strongly recommending to the vendors not to put that in place, especially once Michael told her the reason the contract of sale (which held up the mortgage papers due to no land transfer details) was so late in getting to them was because the vendors piss-farted around getting the builder’s insurance in the first place.

8. Everything seems to be flowing much better since this woman came on the scene. Honestly, I’m sorely tempted to never work with men again, well men from the country anyway. The mortgage broken from this area has been fabulous, but the real estate agent, Country Bumpkin…. I just seem to be dealing with what seems to be an undercurrent of possibly sexism? They seem to deal better with Michael, so maybe it’s a bit of that. I’ve never really seen or been subject to it, but I’m soooo much more sensitive to this kind of shit now I’m pregnant, it’s amazing. Plus, it’s been a long time since I’ve lived or had to deal with country attitudes. They don’t have an outward thing around this, but there might be that underlying thing of just not wanting to deal with me because … who knows, maybe I point out how stupid they are – I’m much more direct than Michael, I don’t have the patience to pander to egos lately.

9. The pregnancy seems to be going along fine. We have our 20 week ultrasound next Tuesday and hopefully the baby will cooperate and show us what sex it is. I’m leaning toward boy at this point, but I just don’t have the foggiest idea, even M is having trouble tuning in, she thinks I’m going to fall pregnant again rather quickly after this one, so that might be confusing matters as she could be tuning in to that pregnancy .

10. Morning sickness has caught up with me. Was just nausea and occasional sick in 1st trimester, it’s almost every morning in this trimester. Not supposed to be the case, but it is for me. It’s nothing that continues, though I have been a bit nauseas for a few days running lately, could be residual energy from the Equinox & Full Moon though. Brushing my teeth sets it off, but there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s weird, but yeah, doesn’t matter when I do it, it makes me dry retch (or throw up if I have food in my belly) for about 3-5 mins.

11. I have no sex drive. This makes me really sad. Even Michael is a bit “meh” about the whole thing, but since I was the one with the raging libido before this pregnancy I’m really feeling the change. It’s like “omg I just couldn’t be BOTHERED!” I have passing moments of horniness, but they go away as soon as I think about having to actually do anything. It’s very sad. I was always like “omg why on earth would pregnancy affect your sex drive?” but well, it does. And it’s sad.

12. Last night I was so tired because we had a late night Sunday night (Full Moon Healing Circle) and then early start in the morning (Equinox @ Medicine Wheel). I fell asleep after Million Dollar Drop while watching Good News Week. Michael woke me up coming to bed later, and then all I could hear was this cicada outside making long trilling noises (or whatever noise they make)… just one, so it wasn’t even like a symphony of toning like I usually hear with the groups, instead, it was more like someone blowing a whistle every 2 seconds. I couldn’t get comfortable because I wanted to lie on my back but I can’t anymore, and I was so tired I was bawling because the damn cicada wouldn’t shut up! I think I must have fallen asleep from exhaustion, I don’t remember.

13. I’m tired. I’m really really tired today. Didn’t want to come to work, especially because there’s some “everyone bring a cultural dish to celebrate diversity in the workplace” event on today. I was like… meh. I ended up making Chocolate Ripple Cake, it’s Aussie, I’m Aussie, and it’s so easy to make. Otherwise I was going to take the afternoon off and sleep. I still might. It’s going to depend on how I feel. Right now, I need to go track down Payroll and ask them to print off my last Pay Advice, since mine has gotten lost with the move, I need to know how much leave I have left……………

donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)
One more hour, and I'm done with this office. I've packed everything, I think, except my desk. I have an hour to do that and clear off my computer from favourites etc. etc. I might even leave early, what are they going to do? Realistically, I'll probably leave on time, but it'll depend on how quickly I get my desk packed up.

Tired.

Michael is going to Sydney tonight for three days to visit friends and de-stress over his mother for a bit. I'm kind of looking forward to the break, but I think I'm going to be really bored over the weekend. I just want to sleep, so at least I can just do that if I want without him bugging me to go out and do something.

My Doctor says I have thrush. Woo hoo. Too common with pregnancies, and at least these days it's treatable with medication while pregnant. I'm already feeling better and that was just from the pessary and cream used last night. I'm hoping it's cleared up by the end of the weekend. I've bought a bunch of Yakult, yoghurt and have my acidophilus on hand, going to have to keep taking that throughout the pregnancy to keep my bacterias in check.

My Doctor isn't convinced things like Yakult work because it's internal in the disgestive system while the bacteria is in other parts.... but, I know it will help, I've seen what taking Acidophilus alone did for my friend who got thrush after having her baby boy. Doctors are funny in how they compartmentalise the body, the body is all united, what happens in one part affects the rest, so naturally eating and drinking things to balance the bacteria in your body is going to help. Well I believe so anyway, and that's the important part.

So ready for a nap, really don't want to drive an hour to the airport.............and then an hour back. I'll be in bed by like 9pm tonight.

OK. One or two more boxes to pack. I can do this.

Yeast?

Feb. 24th, 2011 08:45 am
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)
Hmmmm, so I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon. It was to complete the lengthy forms related to getting my six free therapy sessions through Medicare. But I think it's going to turn into a vaginal examination followed by "What the hell is wrong with me?" 

I think, followed by googling similar symptoms mixed with 'pregnancy' that it's probably a yeast infection. Dry, sore, gluggy non-discharge. My sex life is over *sigh*. So I figured now is probably not a bad time to at least get back on the Acidophilus and Cranberry Juice, even if it's NOT that which is causing me the meh's.

Never had to deal with a yeast infection, don't even get UTI's really, on occasion I've gotten one here and there and it's easily fixed with Cranberry Juice and Cranberry vitamins, so yeah, I'm not too impressed right now.

Psychologically, Louise Hay says yeast infections are caused by "Denying yourself your own needs. Not supporting yourself." Hmmmm. This is interesting and something to take on board. I've passed the coldsore from Hell (never had one as bad as the I had a week ago) which is "festering words of anger and fear." I got past the massive pimple, "little bursts of anger." And now apparently I'm just over the MIL's shit and ignoring myself.

This is probably related to my yo-yo state of mind right now, wanting to go to Lakes, not wanting to go, wanting to go, not wanting to go, not knowing what I want to do, feeling very very lost and like I've already made my bed, so it's not like I have much of a choice, so I have to just live with my decision, but yeah. Great.

I had to have a pregnancy during a North year. I couldn't possibly challenge myself to a more disasterous situation, could I?

Back on saladas again this morning. Need to go and get some Yakult and Yoghurt after work, which is yuck, but needs to be done.
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)
Busy day today, well, mostly. I have the next 15mins to basically sit and pray I don't throw up my breakfast and vitamin, then I'm off to set up training, followed by more culling of hardcopy training materials we don't need to transport to the new office (the recycle bin is now 2/3 full) and then lunch, off to another meeting, followed by coffee and catchup with one of our trainers, and then home, where I'm likely to crawl into bed and sleep. Because I didn't really sleep well last night.

I keep thinking I should take that referral from my Doctor and see about setting up my first pre-natal appointment with a midwife. But I so couldn't be bothered. It's like, they make you jump through 1000 hoops, and I just think "Who the heck has time for this? If I'm not working, I'm sleeping people!" So yeah, of two minds on that. While it's probably the "missing" link in the pregnancy that would maybe make me stop thinking that I'm going to miscarry at any time, there's also the idea that it's also just not something I'm interested. I should probably take some pre-natal classes too, but meh, I think they're only designed to scare the crap out of you, and I'm trying to go the whole Law of Attraction "everything is going to be smooth, easy, and fantastic!" Which isn't what they tell you in pre-natal.

Michael's mother's newest thing is she has now decided she can save herself some hotel fees by sending a bed to the new house, and she can just live in the house until her furniture arrives weeks later. Apparently, she has decided that all she needs to survive is a bed and her computer with internet. Exactly how she's going to get back and forth from the town to the house to get food is beyond me because I'll be here, 4 hours away, working - and her car will be in transit (hence why we were looking at self-contained holiday units across the road from the shops in town).  How she plans to cook, serve and refrigerate said food is also beyond me.

She also decided that since Michael wouldn't buy her a bed she likes (she wants us to buy her a single bed for her spare room) she's going to order one online and just have it sent to our current address and we can ship it with the rest of our stuff. Well that's fine MIL, if you want it around the time YOUR FURNITURE arrives because we're not shipping EVERYTHING the minute we close because I'M not moving immediately. She's been told this. The idea was for Michael to use his bed, desk, etc. which is coming over with her stuff until I move into the main house with Grandma and ship our stuff down to Lakes. Quite where we're supposed to store this bed in the meantime is amusing me as well, she obviously doesn't comprehend the idea of "Mum, picture your living room and kitchen area. And then try to work it into your drugged out pea-sized brain that THIS IS OUR LIVING SPACE IN ENTIRETY". No extra bedrooms, no extra room for bathroom or kitchen or anything else. That's it. All our stuff including our bed, kitchen, living space, bathroom, currently has to fit into her current livingroom. So there literally isn't any room for another bed, unless it's going on the back porch.

She frustrates the hell out of me. Obviously.

I still think we're making a big mistake moving now, especially since after talking to my oldest friend in the world last night, who will be about 2 hrs away from where we'll be, I realised we don't really have much in common anymore. The same to be said of all my high school friends who ARE in the area we're moving to. I don't have a lot of people I call close friends anymore, and so I get this sinking feeling that I'm just going to be very lonely without the girls from Circle nearby. Meh.


Meh

Feb. 22nd, 2011 02:53 pm
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)
I am so over working past three o'clock these days. The last two hours just draaaaaaaaag at work. I've solved that by booking in meetings tomorrow afternoon, then a Dr. appt Thursday afternoon, followed by Friday afternoon off. But I can't be in meetings forever....

I'm wondering if I can fake a meeting today just to go home. Blah.

So far today I've processed enrolments, chased down missing assessments, culled A LOT of hardcopy stuff we already have electronically so I don't have to move it to the new office, and prepared the manuals, handouts, powerpoint etc. for tomorrow's training, among other things. I also researched medical centres and pharmacies in Lakes Entrance for Michael's mother since she emailled him about that and is all freaking out because she's apparently unable to do a basic Google search herself and ring these people.

Oh, and I've eaten nothing but saladas (multigrain, yum) and oatmeal (creamy honey) for breakfast/brunch/lunch today. I did sneak in a Caramello Koala just now, but that was more for the energy hit, because the damn chocolate sure makes me feel queezy. I think I'll go and cull some more paper.... I have a whole recycling bin to myself, and it's already 1/3 full!

Aloha

Feb. 18th, 2011 09:59 am
donnalotus: (Sea Turtle)
Intensive teaching session with M last night. We discussed many things, but the biggest thing that I needed to process was yet another break-down from Michael's mother. This time she was refusing to sign papers to do with the mortgage application (these were only authorisation to credit check) and basically accusing him of trying to pull the wool over her eyes and screw her six ways from Sunday - not verbatim, but that was pretty much the energy behind it. This happened Wednesday night, I had to take yesterday off work in order to go to the bank with Michael and find out whether we can have her on the title without making her responsible for the debt/mortgage we are borrowing (no, we can't) and in the end, Michael wrote back and basically gave her these options (we put it much nicer, but I'm not wanting to go word for word right now):

1. If you want to be on the title, sign the fricking papers and stop being a pain in the ass - we will draw up a contract stating we are solely responsible for the loan, blah blah blah
2. If you don't want to be on the mortgage, agree not to be on the title and we will write up a contract re: money she is contributing as asset
3. Buy a house by yourself and we will simply rent, but figure it out where you want to go because we'll probably move to Lakes in 3-5 yrs regardless
4. Cancel the sale on her house, pay the compensation, and have everything go back to exactly how it is now

I have been so focused on her and the purchase of this house, that I've been holding on so tightly I can hardly breathe. That's just not a good manifesting place. There's a lot of reasons behind that including poverty mentality, past life destitution with a child to raise coming up, fear, doubt, FEAR...... but when I called M and talked to her about it, we basically nutted it out to "Well, if she backs out what is the plan?"

The plan if she backs out is that we just find a place to rent, Michael stays working where he is, I stay where I am until the baby is born, get Paid Parental Leave plus work's maternity leave and guarantee of a job to come back to, and when that is up I go back to work part-time as well. We will need to take it easy and save, with the plan being to eventually go to Lakes anyway, but it's just not going to happen overnight.

Once we both saw it that way it just lifted and we were like "Hmmmm, well she can do whatever she wants, ball is in her court. But it's not going to affect us either way, we're going to be just fine."

I spent most of the afternoon and pretty much all night at M's on the Medicine Wheel. I spent a while on the Women's Wheel connecting with the baby, and had a really strong reminder of a dream I had when I was in America of a child soul that had been around me then. The child really came through strongly as male yesterday. I was shown to focus my energy only into being happy, creating from that place of joy, and putting my energy into good things, like having a baby. Anything else can just be handed over to Great Spirit and left to sort itself out.

We spent hours on the Medicine Wheel discussing awareness, and the Sunrise Ceremony, how to pray from a non-selfish place for our people. Ho'opono Pono Ke Ala was discussed as it's been coming up for me a lot lately. There are many teachings in many cultures about how if we are in our place of power, our "garden", (Pono as the Hawaiians call it), then nothing is able to affect us in a negative manner because we are in rightness with the world. That is a very basic way of describing it, but it's very powerful too. D quoted to me a powerful one-line comment she had heard recently also that made me just stop, and think about what I've been projecting lately, especially to Michael's Mum.......

"Every thought is a prayer."

It has all been a timely reminder to read through my journal from Hawaii again and reconnect to the teachings from Aunty and Lawrence. But the time I left I felt at peace and much more settled. This morning Michael said his mother has been sending all these emails as if she didn't just accuse him of being the scum of the earth. I just love how she can switch from being the evil mother to loving mother in the space of like, half a day. I truly do believe she is starting to lose her mind. I think the child's soul might have had a bit of an influence on things as well, because I basically said "If Lakes is where you want the family to be, as you seem to be gathering us all there, then you see more clearly than us right now, so please help ease things along."

I also think that his mum was expecting him to read her emails yesterday and freak out, call her and pretty much beg her not to pull out of the deal. She thinks we need this, what she's failed to see is that we really don't, and we'd actually be better off without her to be perfectly honest. I said to Mardi, time is pretty much on my side. If I didn't want to do the right thing by her, I wouldn't be agreeing to having her anywhere near us, and I'd just bide my time and wait for her to die because Michael is the sole beneficiary of her will anyway. So yeah, I really don't need any of this stress, because I just have to bide my time and we get the money for a house anyway... but we're trying to do the right thing by her as family and ensure she has all the help she can get, she just doesn't want to see that.

Michael and I both in our own ways yesterday hit that point of "do whatever the fuck you want, just let us know soon" and we let it go. We weren't trying to hold on to something, in fact, I think part of each of us was kind of hoping she'd just pull out so we can wash our hands of her. Energetically she has clearly felt that shift, and the fact that she can't play us anymore, and that simply put, she either comes to the party or ends up miserable and alone.

M also said to me yesterday that the Grandmothers said to me, basically, "You've already made the choice. Now you just have to understand why you made it."  I think that was on The Matrix <3  It's just a fantastic message to ponder. Because yes, I think I made this choice to take a very hard path a long time ago, and I know I don't really fully understand or see why I've done that yet when it would be so much easier to walk away. It will be interesting to see what unfolds from here.
donnalotus: Artwork by Willow Arlenea (Default)

I had lunch with the new "team" today. The HR Department that is, where the RTO is moving under. Very very nice people, and I think I'm going to really enjoy working with them. It's almost a little disappointing when I think it won't be ongoing because I plan to leave in 3-4 months, but at the same time, might as well go out on a high note feeling happy about the organisation. This is where the RTO should have sat all along, it's so disappointing. New Boss was talking to me at lunch about the plans she has for it, and a working group she wants to set up, and how if we need to "get people in to finish the TAE, we will get someone in". This was unheard of with where it currently sits, because they just didn't want to commit any funds to it. But, now it's HR, which is corporate funded, and it's like Hello people, we have MONEY!  So I'm pretty excited about how things are going to go. I'm hoping to see it really get in a good place, and leave it in a positive state for handover.

I have to schedule in, but my 20 week ultrasound falls around the same time we close on the house. I'm about a week out with the pregnancy I think (so like when I thought I was 12.5 weeks, the scan actually said I was 13 weeks) so I think I'm going to book in for a week earlier, which is just after the equinox. That is the scan where we should be able to find out the sex of the baby - so excited! It's only like 7 weeks away! Eeep. Time is flying, I'm so psyched. Was talking to M this morning and saying how that's the only thing I'm not anxious/stressed/freaked out about right now. Weird.

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